Adventures in making and raising our test-tube babies

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Writing this Wrong

I'm still exploring the idea of a blog in my mind. Why on earth would I want to cast my most personal thoughts into cyberspace? In the early days of blogging, I couldn't get over the idea that people were putting their diaries -- the forum for their secret thoughts and catharses! -- online for everyone to see. I didn't see why anyone would be interested, and I thought it was almost obscene to be so open.

I wrote in my first post some of the reasons I wanted others to learn about my experience: so they'd know what was going on in my life, so they'd learn about infertility, and so they'd know how to interact in real life with their infertile friends.

But mostly, I'm writing this for myself.

I may not be having much success procreating, but I can still proactively create. Last year, because our quest was costing so much money, I left my art-quilting business at home and came back to the attorney work force. While making fiber art lets me get my soul involved in my day-to-day existence, making money lets me pay the credit card bills where we have financed our hopes. Getting out of the house is wonderful. Having daily contact with other people is essential. But where's the creativity? And so I write. And writing is really fun. I may not be making babies, but I'm making stories.

And then there's therapy. Being infertile makes me very, very sad. I was already on anti-depressants after the Great Depression of 2003, and without them, I would surely be wallowing under the covers of my bed, unable to face the world at all. But I do get up, get dressed, and get out there. And then I do a lot of crying in public, especially in grocery stores where babies frequent the child seats in the shopping carts. When I write about my adventures out in this world, I get to frame them in terms of the funny, the absurd, the educational. The more I write about things after the fact, the more I can assume the narrator's perspective when I'm actually in the sad moments. It's a little bit of psychological armor.

That's it for the introduction. In the next post, get ready for some quality entertainment.

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