Adventures in making and raising our test-tube babies

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The Butt of this Joke

Let's talk about my derriere.

My rear end is the target of a 22 gauge 1.5 inch needle every night. This is not one of those things that you barely feel. I have to be iced down beforehand to make it tolerable. The needle is so wide you can see into it. It has to be because the fluid it delivers is not water-based. Even with the wide needle, it takes forever to draw it into the hypodermic. And then I get one full cc of viscous sesame oil, laced with progesterone, right in the rump.

There are various effects of this treatment. First of all, it's called "pro[-]gesterone" because it supports the life in the uterus (if there still is life there; fingers still crossed, people). It makes it a yummy, cuddly place to be. I wish I were in there, because being outside in the rest of the body is not as welcoming. Second of all, the hormones make me drop-dead tired like I have been the last few days. And third of all, there's the question of my butt.

I am collecting bruises of varying colors. These have gotten so plentiful that I can't lie on either side without feeling one of these souveniers. That's in the parts of my rear that I can still feel. They promise the feeling will come back to the rest of my flesh, but maybe not for 6 months. Funny; I lost this particular feeling back in September, so that's 8 months and counting.

And my last observation is one that comes from CSI and other forensic crime-solving shows in the Quincy tradition. In those, medical examiners can always find needle puncture marks on the corpses. So if the dead bodies retain their punctures, shouldn't mine? I calculated the other day that I have endured 53 punctures in the last two months, including shots, blood draws and IVs. I'm not sure if the MEs could find the tiny little belly shot marks, but the butt shots are mammoth. I'd think anyone with a microscope, or just good eyesight, would be able to find them. I keep thinking -- and here is the image that has been in my head for days -- that if my lower abdomen and pelvis were a water balloon, then the water would flow from the holes on my "upper, outer" butt like cat's whiskers. Gosh, I kind of wish that could happen because it would be so neat.

I'll leave you with that picture.


Anonymous said...


That is a funny picture. You could be like one of those trucks that drives down the street and waters the median...except you would need to be on a very narrow road.

Here is what I have always wondered about large needles...especially the super wide ones. Where does the skin go? If you just stuck the needle in and then pulled it out without injecting anything would you be able to see the skin punch? Kind of like when you have to empty out the paper hole puncher? Just a thought.

I've got everything so crossed that I look like a yoga experiment gone bad. I'm thinking TONS of good thoughts for you guys. :)

Jennifer JCK

bzzzzgrrrl said...

OK, crazybutt.

DAVs said... butt has just started to feel normal I have major empathy for your gluteus maximus but am hoping it is all worth it in the end. Hope you're hanging in there!