I have always avoided calling myself "hormonal" at certain moody times of the month, simply because we humans have hormones coursing through our veins all the time. I was about to say that I might as well call myself "bloody," in that I always have blood in my veins too. But come to think of it, certain times of the month are bloodier than others. So disregard that. In fact, please disregard this entire paragraph.
I feel fully qualified to call myself hormonal now, and by that I mean, I have been injecting extra hormones into myself for a week now that make me act weird.
On the plane last weekend, on the way back from Texas, I had invested a dollar in the special Continental headphones. But I couldn't watch the movie ("P.S. I Love You") because within ten minutes I was sobbing so hard at the plot that I couldn't go on. I was trying to cry silently and daub my leaking eyes surreptitiously with my diet coke napkin. But there I was, the crying girl in Row 23. Yeah, right in front of Ted Koppell in Row 24. Who wanted a blanket, as you recall. Maybe he's going through IVF.
Last night, I too wanted a blanket. I awoke at 4:00 a.m. to the most horriffic bone-chilling cold I have ever felt. I slammed myself against James's back to try to stay alive. The hypothermia had come on suddenly and was threatening to destroy my teeth, which were crashing together in the most violent of shivers.
All this was due to a hot flash. Yes, a hot. flash. I had kicked the sheets off myself and, in the early summer air conditioning, I was drenched in liters of my own sweat. The hotness of the flash was long gone, and now I was turning blue. After verbalizing the teeth chattering (br! rr! rr! rr! rr! rr! rr! rr! rr!) loudly into my sleeping spouse's shoulders with my whole body under the quilt, I eventually realized that I wasn't cold any more. And I calmed the hell down.
This, my friends, is the beginning. This was the week of supression drugs. The "real" hormones start on Saturday. They're the ones that will grow my eggs to Grade A status. So stay tuned and keep your hand on the thermostat.